Bumps in the Road

It's been a rough weekend around here. I just feel like I'm losing my fire for school. But I need to keep it up!! I'm getting so much closer. I'm almost at the half-way point -- in a matter of a few short months! But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm totally burnt out. I want the "American Dream". I want a house with a yard for Malie to play in, I want to stop having panic attacks every night and morning about how I'm going to pay the bills, I want to STOP getting phone calls and e-mails from my utility company, I want to move away from this apartment complex that constantly wants access to my (I thought) private home to check this or that, I want a career...I want all of that. Except I want it NOW and the only way to get it is to stay in school, which means...more waiting. I'm 30 years old, ugh! Wish I'd thought of all this when I was partying and having lots of fun in my early-mid 20's. I thought my "wants" would always stay the same...just having a good time. Ha! Things change.

So that's my state of mind but I'm trying to work through it and stay focused. If I had a job, I think I'd feel better, like a more worthwhile, contributing-to-society human being. Still searching!

GOOD NEWS: I am going off of methotrexate. I broke out in hives last week, as well as a rash on my face, and worsened the rash on my neck, underarms, and sides. So...my doc said "halt!" and to call him Monday if the hives weren't gone -- they're not. Ugh, it hurts/itches to even get dressed. So maybe I'm allergic? Who knows. But I'm still getting sick...so I'm not sure why. This diagnosis has also de-railed my school motivation. It's hard to stay motivated when you feel like a pile of poop and in the back of my head I can't help thinking "What's the point, anyway?? Will I be able to be a nurse at all?" So...sometimes I want to quit and just find any job I can get and work while I am still able. But...that's not like me at all, so I don't. I stay in school.

Malie's doing great!! Her birthday was Wednesday and we had an awesome day. She brought little "cakes" to her friends at school and then we went out to dinner with Papa and Gwa-Gwa to IHOP (her choice, and it was a good one!) and then went over to Nana's to open presents from Mommy, Nana, and Grammie. She LOVED them all and was very sweet and grateful. She's been playing with the 3 she got non-stop ever since, and I've even been able to wean her off of TV in the evenings because she wants to be crafty with her new toys. Saturday is her Princess Tea Party, so I will post pictures after that. We could only invite 6 little girls, it was so hard! There were at least 2 more we really wanted to invite, and I feel bad. But I am sure she it will be super cute...it's at a tea room in Claremont. I haven't even seen it yet, my mom and her boyfriend set the whole thing up, but I'm trusting it will be fun! We did the same kind of thing for my cousin's baby shower and it was awesome.

Well, back to studying...I have my first micro test tomorrow. :-/