Bumps in the Road

It's been a rough weekend around here. I just feel like I'm losing my fire for school. But I need to keep it up!! I'm getting so much closer. I'm almost at the half-way point -- in a matter of a few short months! But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm totally burnt out. I want the "American Dream". I want a house with a yard for Malie to play in, I want to stop having panic attacks every night and morning about how I'm going to pay the bills, I want to STOP getting phone calls and e-mails from my utility company, I want to move away from this apartment complex that constantly wants access to my (I thought) private home to check this or that, I want a career...I want all of that. Except I want it NOW and the only way to get it is to stay in school, which means...more waiting. I'm 30 years old, ugh! Wish I'd thought of all this when I was partying and having lots of fun in my early-mid 20's. I thought my "wants" would always stay the same...just having a good time. Ha! Things change.

So that's my state of mind but I'm trying to work through it and stay focused. If I had a job, I think I'd feel better, like a more worthwhile, contributing-to-society human being. Still searching!

GOOD NEWS: I am going off of methotrexate. I broke out in hives last week, as well as a rash on my face, and worsened the rash on my neck, underarms, and sides. So...my doc said "halt!" and to call him Monday if the hives weren't gone -- they're not. Ugh, it hurts/itches to even get dressed. So maybe I'm allergic? Who knows. But I'm still getting sick...so I'm not sure why. This diagnosis has also de-railed my school motivation. It's hard to stay motivated when you feel like a pile of poop and in the back of my head I can't help thinking "What's the point, anyway?? Will I be able to be a nurse at all?" So...sometimes I want to quit and just find any job I can get and work while I am still able. But...that's not like me at all, so I don't. I stay in school.

Malie's doing great!! Her birthday was Wednesday and we had an awesome day. She brought little "cakes" to her friends at school and then we went out to dinner with Papa and Gwa-Gwa to IHOP (her choice, and it was a good one!) and then went over to Nana's to open presents from Mommy, Nana, and Grammie. She LOVED them all and was very sweet and grateful. She's been playing with the 3 she got non-stop ever since, and I've even been able to wean her off of TV in the evenings because she wants to be crafty with her new toys. Saturday is her Princess Tea Party, so I will post pictures after that. We could only invite 6 little girls, it was so hard! There were at least 2 more we really wanted to invite, and I feel bad. But I am sure she it will be super cute...it's at a tea room in Claremont. I haven't even seen it yet, my mom and her boyfriend set the whole thing up, but I'm trusting it will be fun! We did the same kind of thing for my cousin's baby shower and it was awesome.

Well, back to studying...I have my first micro test tomorrow. :-/

It's that day again + Kindy pics!

It's methotrexate day. I can't decide if I should take it now and get it over with and just be sick all day or take it tonight and be sick for Friday. I'm leaning toward tonight or tomorrow morning because Malie's Back-To-School night is tonight. It's really short but still, I don't want to be sick to my stomach while I'm there. I read on a message board somewhere that someone else lost a lot of their hair. I hope that doesn't happen to me. I'm trying to grow it out. Other people said they didn't though. I hate how much pain I'm in, I hope it starts working sooner than 3 months. Mother Teresa said "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I kinda feel like that these days. Trying to keep on keeping on though!

Anyway, before this turns into an sicky-blog, I should try and post the rest of the pictures of Malie!


Eating some pancakes for breakfast before the first day!


Cute new backpack!


Standing outside her new classroom.


Malie LOVES hopscotch.


Malie and her teacher, Mrs. Stapleton


I have more from the rest of the week (took one every day!) but they are on my phone so I have to figure out how to do that. And really, does anyone know if there is an easier way to post pics on blogger? It takes me forever!

Kindergarten is awesome!

Malie is LOVING kindergarten. In the mornings she complains, she says she doesn't want to go to school every day (Ha! Welcome to the rest of your life, kid!) but once we're there she's excited and she is always SO happy when she gets home. Even on daycare days. I love seeing her so happy and full of life and energy! I hope she always has this positive, take-on-the-world attitude. She's made a new friend named Sammy. She says they are best friends. Sammy's grandma was talking to me today (she drops her off and picks her up) and said that Sammy had been crying every day last week but since Malie and she have become friends, the tears have tapered off. I'm so happy that Malie could be a friend to someone. I talked to one of the moms who volunteered in the classroom yesterday and I asked how Malie did. We had been talking because we both have 4 year old kindergartners. She has twin girls who don't turn 5 until November! Malie luckily turns 5 next week. Anyway, she said one of her twins was fine and one was really struggling (I guess the struggling one had an IEP like Malie.) So I asked how Malie was yesterday and she said she just seems to have trouble focusing and paying attention, but she noticed that with a few of the kids, including hers. She thought maybe it was because they are younger. But that is a big issue for Malie and hopefully her teacher will work with her on it. But Mrs. Stapleton hasn't said anything to me so I'm assuming she's doing okay. We'll probably hear more at Back To School night on Thursday.


Last day of being a "little girl"!

I have a bunch more pics but for some reason I can't add them....UGH! This is why I never post pis on my blog cause it is just so dang difficult. Am I missing out on an easier way to do this??

New Treatment Plan

I started methotrexate today. After ho-ing and hum-ing with my doctor this morning this was the poison medication we decided on. He gave me 2 other less "potent" options but said that we might just be wasting time since they don't work as well. He said I showed high levels of inflammation...I guess totally normal CRP (c-reactive protein -- I believe it's an enzyme) levels would be about 1. 3 is still normal. Anything above 3 or so is used to indicate risk for heart disease, EXCEPT in patients with autoimmune diseases where that indicator is not used. My level was 18, and this blood work was done while I was on a corticosteroid 3 times a day to reduce inflammation. That explains the pain! So clearly, I don't want to waste time. I just can't. I want my life back. I'm too busy and have too much going on to feel like crap. This is what I was thinking when he said to try the methotrexate. He did ask me to think on it for a couple days but I refused. Start it now, I was thinking. He's also putting me on Prednisone for a little while longer until the methotrexate hopefully starts to work. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

It feels like a LESS good idea now. One of those "which is worse, the treatment or the disease?" It's a chemo drug so it's pretty toxic. I'll have regular blood work/CBC's done every month to check on liver function and of course, blood/platelet levels. There's a lot of risk involved but I don't really think about that...I mean we all always think "it can't happen to me" and that's kind of where my frame of mind is. I've already had kidney failure, lightning can't strike twice, right?

Anyway, so I started it today and went about my day, blah blah blah. I started dinner and BAM!!! It must have hit me. I had to run to the sink. I didn't throw up but I am feeling like crap. :-( I hope it gets better. He told me nausea would be a part of it, I just....I don't know. Thought it wouldn't affect me? But that's why I took the pills today (they are 4 pills once a week), because I don't have school or anything tomorrow. So I can rest and get used to this and even if they continue to make me sick, Friday can be my recuperate day. But surely it won't CONTINUE like this?? Anyway, I need to finish Malie's dinner and go to bed. :-(

I promise to update with "1st week of kindergarten" entry...I just have to get through tomorrow (one more picture) and then figure out an easier way to post pics on here.

Almost Kindergarten!

Oh my gosh, my baby starts kindergarten on Monday! I'm afraid I'll cry. :-/

Today we went to lunch with Grammie down in the Claremont Village. If I could figure out this stupid Mac I'd try to post pics. But I can't and my knees are on fire so I just want to post quick and then go take some ibuprofen and lay down for a couple minutes.

Anyway, we went to lunch and Malie wore one of the Matilda Jane dresses she got for free in our Platinum order. It is soooooo cute!! We picked up lunch at 42nd Street Bagel. Delicious as always. I realized how much weight I've gained since starting the Prednisone though (I've been famished) and I didn't have much appetite. :-/ And it's been so hot that I was super thirsty the whole time.

We then took a little walk around the corner to Boon Companion. This has been our favorite toy store for ages. I used to shop there when I was Malie's age and younger. So it's been around forever! It's a little independent, family-owned toy store. They have the cutest things in there. Not Toys 'R Us type toys but learning toys and cute toys you may not find at other toy stores...Calico Critters anyone?? Very fun stuff.

They did have Silly Bands though!! Malie scored a new pack from Grammie (who can't say no). They are the beach set and supposedly they glow in the dark but we haven't been able to get them to glow yet. We tried in the bathroom with the light off....but maybe they just haven't picked up enough bright light to glow with the lights off yet. She also picked out some things she wants for her birthday. Her FAVORITE thing was a book -- it's an Usborne book about looking inside your body. It was amazingly accurate, detailed and complex, for a children's book. Not like "these are your lungs and they help you breathe" but like "at the end of the bronchioles are the alveoli and this is where blood and oxygen exchange takes place" I was impressed!! She plopped down in the middle of the store and read it for about 30 minutes. It was hard to tear her away. She also wanted a paper doll kit but I think we may just get her a sticker book of dolls to dress and then a cute box...it's like a mini sand box. It's in a box and there's fine blue sand in it with a mermaid, tiny sea shells, shovels, seaweed, etc. I thought it would be a fun outside toy for the porch. There were a few other things. Oh, a doll & pony slumber party set. Always loving everything horse related, of course. I think I'll be getting her the book and my grandmother is getting her the sandbox and a couple other things.

Kinder orientation was Thursday. Her teacher's name is Mrs. Stapleton and she has the a.m. session. A.M. and P.M. overlap...A.M. starts at 8:30 and P.M. starts at 10:00...but they do their reading when they are split so it's easier on the teacher. Anyway, her teacher seemed very nice and Malie is SO excited. When I got to orientation I ran into a girl but lost touch with years ago...and now here our daughters are going to kindergarten together! They hit it off right away and ran off to play. Then a girl in my micro class (we had physio together last year), her daughter will also be in kinder with Malie. They will be in daycare together since obviously we are at school together at the same time. (8 am - 5 pm) :-) It's going to be a very fun year!

Well I am going to go grab ANOTHER drink (so thirsty!) and rest my aching body...can't wait to start whatever the next round of treatment may be.

Wow, microbiology is going to be a lot of work!! This will be quick cause I am feeling super beat up and just want to go to sleep but I really want to show some effort in this blogging venture.

So my schedule at school goes something like this: Yoga 8-sometime. Break. Microbiology Lecture 11:00 - sometime. Break. Microbiology Lab 2:00-4:50 (Lecture and lab are completely different classes, not really supposed to be taking together. But I am and so's about 1/2 the class, but I hear the pass rate isn't good. Eh. I NEVER meld with the statistics, why start now??) Anyway. It's a long day of braining. Even yoga is braining. I'm trying to turn my brain OFF (I mean I did read Eat, Pray, Love) but it's hard. I can't get the breathing right and everything HURTS so bad....and I'm stiffening up so quickly that I am getting frustrated and it's only been 2 days! Plus we have so much journaling to do and sanskrit to memorize....geez! That's what I get for taking the summer off...a mushy, out of shape brain.

I don't think it would be so bad if it hadn't suddenly decided to be 150 degress with 700% humidity. We've had this BEAUTIFUL summer, perfect 80-degree temps and nice breezes, I mean everything you'd wish for for a lovely Southern California summer...but then reality set in the day I went back to school! Really?!? It's nasty. Things will get better when it cools off.

Today in micro lab we completed one lab...so I have a write up to do...set 2 in the incubators, and took one home...which is currently incubating at room temp in my curio cabinet. Seems like this will be a lot of work and a lot to keep straight. I have a LOT of reading to do and some organizational "stuff" I want to prepare before I have class again on Monday. It's all very interesting though.

I'm a little frustrated...no, a lot frustrated...with my RA. I am tapering back off of Prednisone and the pain is really fierce. I think overdoing it Sunday, going back to school Monday -- which requires lots of walking and hiking all over (uphill), plus yoga is making me feel awful. I feel like I've been hit by a truck while last week when I was relaxed and on steroids 3 times a day, I was feeling amazing. I noticed the other day that I can no longer make a "3" sign with my fingers. If I use my other hand to help, I can ALMOST force the 3 but it is extremely painful and my fingers still won't fold/unfold all the way. This is very upsetting to me....it seems like it is progressing so quickly. Maybe there are some exercises I can do or the medication can slow it down.

Anyway, it's 9 p.m. and I feel like it's sufficiently late enough for me to get in bed!

August -- Getting ready for school!

I really want to get into blogging but I guess I just haven't gotten the hang of it! I am so bad at figuring out how to "follow" people that I want to follow and just find my way around blogs. I'm always falling behind and getting confused. So I stick to facebook. But I'd LIKE to blog more...it'd be such a nice thing to look back on for both Malie and I.

Recently I have been tentatively diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). At first I was crushed. I thought it would affect my decision to pursue nursing as a career. But after talking to my rheumatologist last week, I felt much better about that....he seems to think I'll be fine with going into nursing. He prescribed a round of Prednisone to start me off on treatment. I did remember feeling better after a few days of Prednisone when I had strep/scarlet fever back in April, but honestly, my hopes weren't that high. Boy was I wrong!!! By Thursday night (I started it Tuesday, 3 pills a day), I was feeling so much better! I could sleep comfortably, which I haven't been able to do in ages. I can't explain what a relief that is...and a good night's sleep makes you so much more prepared to take on your day. I was really thinking something was wrong with my head! I couldn't get anything accomplished, I was so tired all the time. But being in constant pain and not getting sound sleep will do that to a person. Now I am feeling MUCH better. Just today I got right up, made a "real" breakfast and got chores done -- things that felt completely impossible a week ago. I truly did not believe there was anything that could make my knees feel better, but the Prednisone is even taking the edge off of that pain as well. I can walk quickly, no limp....I could go on and on. I don't feel 100% better, but I feel 100% functional.

I'm almost ready to offer Dr. Le my first born child. I feel THAT much better -- like a freakin miracle, haha.

I go back to school this Monday (August 16th) for my last semester of pre-reqs. Microbiology!! The long-awaited, long-dreaded class. I think I will enjoy it though. I am hoping!

Malie also starts kindergarten this fall! She starts the week after me -- August 23rd. My big almost-5-year-old. She is very excited! We have a new back pack, lunch bag, thermos, school supplies, school shoes, school clothes. It's been a busy month, mostly dedicated to going back to school (for both of us). Mommy has even scored some AWESOME deals. I ordered some Matilda Jane clothing (our fave) from their platinum site...I wasn't going to but then a little skirt grabbed my attention. It wasn't too much money and it was just adorable. Imagine my surprise when the skirt came WITH free clothes in the box as well -- that I didn't order!! I also ordered Malie's Thanksgiving dress from their platinum site -- and 3 more free items came in the mail! I was amazed!! What a sweet sweet lady who runs that business. If only she knew how excited we were! Malie tried everything on right away. Poor thing, I won't let her wear them til school starts. Don't worry Mae, it's torture for me too.

Grammie bought her some cute new school shoes (pink Converse) at Nordstrom and we made an day out of it and had lunch there as well. I won't let her wear those either. I just think it makes the first day of school so much more fun when you get to start wearing everything for the first time! But on second thought -- maybe we should break those shoes in. Blisters suck.

We are still working on getting the house in tip-top shape so that everything is organized and I don't have to worry so much once the chaos of September rolls around -- dance, gymnastics, school, school, school, school.....(homework).....etc. I'm TRYING to catch up on every piece of laundry but it's a never-ending battle...and of course I have lost my laundry card so I keep falling farther behind. Hopefully this weekend we will find it.

I will try to post pics soon! I really will!! Especially once school starts.

So, lately...

I am HORRIBLE at blogging! My goal for this summer is to get into a routine about it. It's hard! I am mostly just on facebook so I guess I don't want to keep up with a blog as well but I was talking to an old dear friend who keeps a blog and she was saying what a great keepsake a bound blog would be for Malie one day. And she's right. So I am going to try and keep up with it. Try to record daily or weekly activities and thoughts at least, and post pictures. When Malie was a baby, I took literally THOUSDANDS of pictures. Now....I maybe take one picture of her here and there. I took a few at her first dance competition. But my beautiful fancy camera gets very little use! I need to fix that.

SInce I won't be attending summer school this summer, I should have more time. Not that I'm taking the summer "off" -- I still plan on working. I finally have the potential for a career, I'm actually licensed in something. I'm a CPT-1, a certified phlebotomy technician. Level 1, which means all I do is draw blood and collect samples...I'll leave "samples" up to your imagination. Basically I don't do any of the exciting stuff, but it's a good job and when I was doing my externship at Redlands Community Hospital, I REALLY liked it!! I can't wait to get back out there. Here's to hoping, praying, wishing that there's a perfect position out there for me. However, working instead of school will be a huge weight off my mind. School has been getting more and more difficult as I get closer to applying to a nursing program. SO worth it and I love what I'm doing, I LOVE what I'm studying, but it's hard work and the pressure is intense at times. There's a lot of competition for very few spots. So taking a summer off is something I think I need -- especially since I only need one more class and my school is not offering it over the summer. Probably because not enough people are crazy enough to attempt to take microbiology at an accelerated rate. CRAZY!

I also have not been well...I had strep with scarlet fever and I didn't know it. It was finally caught in the first few days of April but I had had it for weeks, apparently and it progressed. I am trying to get better but it's hard when I don't have much time to rest. So I think taking the summer off of school will give me time to lay low for a little bit. I think. ;-) I do have a 4 year old. Who wants to do swim lessons and gymnastics and ride horses....yikes! I had a funky urinalysis last week so I had blood work done yesterday and hopefully will get all fixed up and feeling 100% soon. In the meantime -- I <3 ibuprofen and Vicodin. And my bed!

I lost my Grandpa on April 19th. That was very very hard. I know he was sick for quite sometime, yet it still felt like he went so fast. It just seemed like he'd still be around forever. I am sad that he's gone but I'm really sad that he didn't get to see me succeed. I sort of feel like I let him down and that gets to me. So...I'm hoping to pull off a "win" this semester and do well in my classes. It also gets to me to see my family so sad. It's such a hard time for my aunt, uncles, and especially my Grandma. That kills me. :-(

On a happier note...Malie's doing well. She starts kindergarten this fall. She's so funny and such a character. Sooooo dramatic. I love her to pieces but she is a handful. I am very excited because she will be exited out of special ed and will start her elementary school career in regular education with no special services. Her exit IEP is May 21st. Exciting day for us!! I was talking to one of her former aides who is the school psychologist at Malie's new school and she was saying how proud she was of the progress Malie made in her 2 years in her special ed class and how great she does now, that she really has no need for speech services anymore and that she thinks she will do great in regular ed. She also said I am doing great as her mom and that it helps that I'm very involved and on top of Malie's behavior -- that made me feel really good! This particular aide had been Malie's FAVORITE "teacher" so I was really glad to see that she is working at her new school -- Malie will be happy as well. She said the school is great and very family-oriented. That's about the 4th person who's told me that so I am happy!

Well that was a big update for now, hopefully I can keep this up!