Anger

I just have to say that as a "Christian" I am absolutely HORRIFIED - HORRIFIED - at the actions of some supposedly "Christian" organizations. Disgusted, sick, sad. I want to cry. It makes me want God to come back NOW and save us from those that are perverting his teachings and message of love.

I'm SICK over it. Thinly disguised racism and hate...except really, not even disguised anymore. It couldn't be more blatant. I don't even want to call myself a Christian anymore, if that is how "Christians" behave. All I know is I walk side by side with my Lord and Savior and I want to represent him here on earth with love, understanding, and acceptance of ALL people so that maybe someone who doesn't know Him can see the peace and joy He has brought to MY life and want to find it for themselves. Not so I can sit in judgement of them (not MY job - HIS) and condemn them. I don't want to just pick and choose scripture COMPLETELY out of context in order to justify fear and hate.

I'm so so sad about this. It just put me over the edge. I can't imagine how heartbroken HE is. I don't know know if these people make me want to vomit, cry, or bang my head against a wall. We as His people need to be educated on not just social issues but the Bible - we need to understand his Word before we go around misinterpreting it to serve our own agendas!! I am ANGRY at the perversion of it all!!!!

Also

Malie is doing great....I know i never post anymore. She's struggling a bit with the transition from school to summer schedule and we are moving. I'm hoping it doesn't mess her up too much. I LOVE our new place...loving Rancho so far too! Very family friendly, tons of parks around us (4 within walking distance and at least 2 schools) and our location in the complex couldn't be better. It's just such a huge hassle to get moved!! I am hoping to get some movers this weekend and just finish it all. For now I sit on the floor while watching TV, working, or online. It sucks! But at least we have our beds and I love love love getting all my laundry done!!! I'm going to try to be better at blogging. Really. I always say that.

Now what?

Have you ever had a secret wish that you would NEVER EVER tell anybody because it makes you feel like a bad person to wish that? Well I have had a few. Of course things like that rarely actually happen. But then what if one of them did come true? What if you had a secret wish and it came true through no fault of your own? THEN WHAT?? What do you do next? That is the question of the day!!

March Update

I'm working at the moment so I'm not sure how much sense this update will make. I really really do want to get into blogging but I just can't seem to DO it! It's a work in progress. I think if I could keep updating regularly and get my thoughts in order, it'd be a really great thing, especially for Malie to read when she's older.

I started infusions for my RA in January. WOW! At first I was discouraged because I didn't really notice a difference. However, last week I had strep throat again (which I personally think started the whole thing last year) and I was in agonizing pain -- which made me realize how far I've come and how well the infusions must be working! I think I am just discouraged because on Prednisone (the steroid), I felt awake and alive and almost free of pain but I also had all this energy. On Remicade and MTX...I am so exhausted 100% of the time. It's very rare that I have any sort of burst of energy. I want that too...I want the energy WITH the freedom from pain. Is that too much to ask? I saw my psychiatrist and although I am already obviously on folic acid with my MTX, she gave me a second folic acid-type vitamin that also assists as an anti-depressant. I'm not sure how, although I have a rough idea, but I didn't explain it very well. Anyway -- so far, no luck. I am going to start taking Omega-3 capsules again as well. I really do feel better when I take them. P.S.: I got over the strep a LOT faster this year! No Scarlet Fever and I went in to see my doctor on the 3rd day instead of putting if off. At least I learned my lesson a bit!

Malie was doing great in kindergarten. And actually...I still think she is. She is popular with her friends, involved in activities, and seems to have lots of fun. However, she is struggling with the academics. I really feel like she's not far behind -- the problem is that she cannot read a book by herself, she can't or won't write sentences without dictation and she struggles a bit with her numbers. I feel like that is not so bad for a kindergartner! We were not doing (in kindgerarten) the things she is doing now, so I was not at all worried. Average is fine with me -- it's AVERAGE. However, according to "The Standars", she is behind. I don't have any decisions to make yet but I might at the end of the year. Her teacher also stated that maybe a visit to the doctor would help -- she is wondering about ADD. Malie refuses to do some of her work, gets up and wanders around the classroom (especially to the window) during work time and has lots of trouble focusing and listening. These are all things I know about her -- we will definitely make an appointment. I have to go to the pediatrician's office today to pick up their ADD packet and then we will see. I'm not too worried about it. She's not horrendous. She's well-behaved, caring, and polite and really, that's all I can ask. She's MORE than I could've asked for -- she attacks life full on, grabs it by the horns. It brings me so much joy to watch her just live. I won't be medicating that. But I am sure there are other ways to "redirect" her energies in the classroom.

I am keeping her busy. She is in dance on Fridays with her favorite Miss Anna at West Coast...we popped in for a visit and I somehow decided to sign her up for recital. I really did miss it there! She's also in AYSO soccer for the first time. She is on the U5 team so they play and practice Saturday mornings. A parent-involved practice before a scrimmage sort of game. She loves it. Her friend Sammi is on her team and her friend Isabelle is on the U6 team that plays next to them. Then Wednesday nights she has cheer practice. Last weekend they performed at Knott's Berry Farm and then we wandered around Camp Snoopy with Sammi's family. It was SO much fun, the most fun I've had in awhile. I loved watching her perform her little heart out and then just be a kid at an amusement park with her best friend. Sammi's family are all very nice too and treated Malie and I like their own. I'm so lucky Malie found friends with such nice families.

I'm REALLY trying to get my house clean for spring. We are moving in June and I feel like if it's all cleaned up and cleaned out the move will be easier. Ugh, just thinking about moving is so stressful but I can't stay here. This neighborhood is AWFUL and I don't feel comfortable here with my 5 year old. I'm thinking we'll be heading to Ontario...and I hate thinking about taking Malie out of her school but we may have to do that as well.

www.archstoneapartments.com

That is where we want to move -- Terracina in Ontario. It's so pretty, in such a nice, residential neighborhood (surrounded by farm/dairy land) and the three schools (elementary, junior high, and high school) are all in walking distance -- not that I'd let Malie walk. I just hope we qualify.

I know I need to post pictures of Malie. I just hate doing it on here, it takes forever and lots of moving around. I wish there were an easier way! But I will get on it....I will hopefully have some pictures from Knott's soon!

Bumps in the Road

It's been a rough weekend around here. I just feel like I'm losing my fire for school. But I need to keep it up!! I'm getting so much closer. I'm almost at the half-way point -- in a matter of a few short months! But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm totally burnt out. I want the "American Dream". I want a house with a yard for Malie to play in, I want to stop having panic attacks every night and morning about how I'm going to pay the bills, I want to STOP getting phone calls and e-mails from my utility company, I want to move away from this apartment complex that constantly wants access to my (I thought) private home to check this or that, I want a career...I want all of that. Except I want it NOW and the only way to get it is to stay in school, which means...more waiting. I'm 30 years old, ugh! Wish I'd thought of all this when I was partying and having lots of fun in my early-mid 20's. I thought my "wants" would always stay the same...just having a good time. Ha! Things change.

So that's my state of mind but I'm trying to work through it and stay focused. If I had a job, I think I'd feel better, like a more worthwhile, contributing-to-society human being. Still searching!

GOOD NEWS: I am going off of methotrexate. I broke out in hives last week, as well as a rash on my face, and worsened the rash on my neck, underarms, and sides. So...my doc said "halt!" and to call him Monday if the hives weren't gone -- they're not. Ugh, it hurts/itches to even get dressed. So maybe I'm allergic? Who knows. But I'm still getting sick...so I'm not sure why. This diagnosis has also de-railed my school motivation. It's hard to stay motivated when you feel like a pile of poop and in the back of my head I can't help thinking "What's the point, anyway?? Will I be able to be a nurse at all?" So...sometimes I want to quit and just find any job I can get and work while I am still able. But...that's not like me at all, so I don't. I stay in school.

Malie's doing great!! Her birthday was Wednesday and we had an awesome day. She brought little "cakes" to her friends at school and then we went out to dinner with Papa and Gwa-Gwa to IHOP (her choice, and it was a good one!) and then went over to Nana's to open presents from Mommy, Nana, and Grammie. She LOVED them all and was very sweet and grateful. She's been playing with the 3 she got non-stop ever since, and I've even been able to wean her off of TV in the evenings because she wants to be crafty with her new toys. Saturday is her Princess Tea Party, so I will post pictures after that. We could only invite 6 little girls, it was so hard! There were at least 2 more we really wanted to invite, and I feel bad. But I am sure she it will be super cute...it's at a tea room in Claremont. I haven't even seen it yet, my mom and her boyfriend set the whole thing up, but I'm trusting it will be fun! We did the same kind of thing for my cousin's baby shower and it was awesome.

Well, back to studying...I have my first micro test tomorrow. :-/

It's that day again + Kindy pics!

It's methotrexate day. I can't decide if I should take it now and get it over with and just be sick all day or take it tonight and be sick for Friday. I'm leaning toward tonight or tomorrow morning because Malie's Back-To-School night is tonight. It's really short but still, I don't want to be sick to my stomach while I'm there. I read on a message board somewhere that someone else lost a lot of their hair. I hope that doesn't happen to me. I'm trying to grow it out. Other people said they didn't though. I hate how much pain I'm in, I hope it starts working sooner than 3 months. Mother Teresa said "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I kinda feel like that these days. Trying to keep on keeping on though!

Anyway, before this turns into an sicky-blog, I should try and post the rest of the pictures of Malie!


Eating some pancakes for breakfast before the first day!


Cute new backpack!


Standing outside her new classroom.


Malie LOVES hopscotch.


Malie and her teacher, Mrs. Stapleton


I have more from the rest of the week (took one every day!) but they are on my phone so I have to figure out how to do that. And really, does anyone know if there is an easier way to post pics on blogger? It takes me forever!

Kindergarten is awesome!

Malie is LOVING kindergarten. In the mornings she complains, she says she doesn't want to go to school every day (Ha! Welcome to the rest of your life, kid!) but once we're there she's excited and she is always SO happy when she gets home. Even on daycare days. I love seeing her so happy and full of life and energy! I hope she always has this positive, take-on-the-world attitude. She's made a new friend named Sammy. She says they are best friends. Sammy's grandma was talking to me today (she drops her off and picks her up) and said that Sammy had been crying every day last week but since Malie and she have become friends, the tears have tapered off. I'm so happy that Malie could be a friend to someone. I talked to one of the moms who volunteered in the classroom yesterday and I asked how Malie did. We had been talking because we both have 4 year old kindergartners. She has twin girls who don't turn 5 until November! Malie luckily turns 5 next week. Anyway, she said one of her twins was fine and one was really struggling (I guess the struggling one had an IEP like Malie.) So I asked how Malie was yesterday and she said she just seems to have trouble focusing and paying attention, but she noticed that with a few of the kids, including hers. She thought maybe it was because they are younger. But that is a big issue for Malie and hopefully her teacher will work with her on it. But Mrs. Stapleton hasn't said anything to me so I'm assuming she's doing okay. We'll probably hear more at Back To School night on Thursday.


Last day of being a "little girl"!

I have a bunch more pics but for some reason I can't add them....UGH! This is why I never post pis on my blog cause it is just so dang difficult. Am I missing out on an easier way to do this??